The Whatever
by Amy
Summary: What can I say? It's just about whatever. Pretty stupid. Swearing.


Author's Note: People have started writing about me in cliches and parodies and such so I guess I figured I might as well respond in my own special way: with another fanfic! I really had no idea where I was going with this fic, so I just sort of muddled along until I found the end. Just remember, you _have_ been warned. Bwahahahahahaha!!! -Amy

Amy grinned with insane glee and wiggled her fingers over the keyboard as she waited for the Fanfiction.net page to load. After it had only loaded about halfway, she stopped it and went to the Animorphs section.  
"Anific, Anifics, lots and lots of Anifics!" she sang softly before realizing how stupid she sounded and stopped. "Ooh! New fics! Yea!"  
She quickly read the titles and summaries of the new Anifics and giggled. "Parodies and cliches! Woo hoo! Huh, this 8 ball thing is getting pretty popular...Hey! That's _me_ in that fic! Hee hee hee, cute fishies..."  
Amy continued to read the fic until she came to her first appearance. "_What_?! My _big toe_?! No! Ow! Crap!!! Owowowowowow!" After reading the fic, Amy's reality suddenly changed to include the fish flaking of her big toe. "Well this is gonna throw off my balance, just _great_!"  
She sat back in her chair and pouted. "What a waste," she grumbled. "My big toe wasn't even an 8 ball. _I_ get my fanfic writing powers for the Ever Sacred Dryer Lint..." She paused to think about that. "Hey! My big toe was fishie flaked for no good reason, damnit!"  
Then Amy paused to think about that some more. "So if my big toe wasn't the source of my powers...I still have my fic writing powers! Woo hoo! I'm still omnipotent! In your face!" Amy then proceeded to do a victory dance, which resulted in her knocking into several large pieces of furniture and breaking numerous breakable items. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that whole 'being off balance because of my missing big toe' thing."  
She cleared her throat and sat back down at the computer before she could injure herself or the stuff around her any more. "What have we here..." she said slowly, looking at the computer screen. "Another 8 ball fic. Cool! Uh oh, I'm in this one too...I better be careful...Hey cool! I've got a pool! Heh heh, that's right, get outta my pool. Shoo! What the hell-Yes! I don't die in the spam explosion! Woo hoo!"  
Amy suddenly got the urge to write something. Maybe she should go bug the Animorphs again, that's always _loads_ of fun. "Heh heh heh..." she says maniacly, tapping away on the keyboard...  


The...The...Um, The...Whatever! Yeah, The Whatever!

It was a boring day.  
A _very_ boring day.  
In fact, it was so boring that the Animorphs were considering raising some hell at the Yeerk pool just for kicks. Though it would be pretty hard to raise any _more_ hell in the awful place.  
"Look, all I'm saying is that we should consider it," Rachel said, completely in favor of kicking some Yeerk ass for lack of anything better to do.  
"And _I'm_ saying it's irresponsible," Jake argued, though he was slowly starting to think that maybe it _wasn't_ all that bad an idea.  
"It's immoral to go killing innocent people just for fun," Cassie spoke up in her usual annoying way.  
"You know," Marco said thoughtfully. "I'm starting to wonder why the hell we're considering doing something that could get us killed for no good reason. It just doesn't sound like us."  
< He's right, you know,> Tobias agreed from his perch on top of an empty cage. < Usually we're reluctant to go down there when we _do_ have a good reason.>  
"Exactly," Marco said. "Something's not quite right..."  
**Damn you and your excellent use of logic, Marco!** a really cool, echoey, impressive voice said from places unknown.  
"Fic writer!" Jake exclaimed. "Hit the dirt!"  
All of the Animorphs dove for hiding places, except for Ax who started THWACK!ing the floor of the barn with his tail blade.  
**Bwahahahaha! That's right! Cower before my awesome fic writing powers! Bwahahaha!**  
"Hey, wait a second," Marco's muffled voice said from under a bale of hay. "Didn't someone recently take out a bunch of you fic writers? I heard something about fishie flakes and magic 8 balls and lots of fic writers losing their powers."  
The really cool, echoey, impressive voice winced (if it's even possible for a voice to wince). **Uh, yeah, kinda...**  
"So why the hell do you still have that really cool, echoey, impressive voice?" Rachel called from inside one of the stalls.  
The really cool, echoey, impressive voice laughed maniacly **Because, little did the foolish fishies know, my fic writing powers do _not_ come from my big toe (which, incidentally, _wasn't_ shaped like an 8 ball)! _I_ get them from the Ever Sacred Dryer Lint.**  
< "Ever Sacred Dryer Lint?!"> the Animorphs all echoed.  
**_Yes_,** the really cool, echoey, impressive voice replied testily.  
"Hey! You're Amy!" Marco exclaimed, poking his head out from under the bale of hay. "I'm safe."  
There was a small POP! and Amy was suddenly standing in the middle of the barn. "Yeah, it's me."  
Jake and Cassie stared at her in horror. "No!" Jake gasped. "Not _you_ again!"  
"Why? What's wrong with her?" Rachel asked, coming out of the stall.  
"Oh," Cassie said. "That's right. Your head blew up before the..._incident_." She shuddered.  
"What 'incident'?" Rachel asked.  
"She...zapped us into a..." Jake stopped, looking sick. "A fic where Cassie and I were married and had kids that had the morphing power, even though it's not inherited genetically."  
"_Really_?" Rachel gasped, looking horrified. "Which one?"  
Marco whispered in her ear and her eyes widened. "That's sick!" she exclaimed. "That's cruel and unusual!"  
Amy shrugged. "What'd you expect? I was reading a torture fic."  
Rachel considered that and, lo and behold, her head blew up again!  
< Rachel!> Tobias cried. < _No!_>  
Amy growled menacingly. "You will _not_ do a 'mourning your lost love' scene!" she told him. "Do you hear me? _No lost love scene_!"  
< What do you have against 'mourning your lost love' scenes?> Tobias asked, trying hard to fight the urge to go into a full blown one.  
"They're just too damn sappy," Amy said. "And I am _not_ in the mood for sappiness!"  
"Is that even a word?" Jake asked.  
Amy snapped her fingers and a dictionary suddenly appeared in her hands, not to mention that she was suddenly wearing a very nice-looking pair of glasses.  
She cleared her throat and pointed vaguely at some words in the middle of the large book. "Ahem, '**sap*py** (sap'e) _**adj.**_ -pi*er, -pi*est [ME. _sapy_ < OE. _saepig_] **1.** full of sap; juicy **2.** [< SAP1, _n_. 4][Slang] foolish; silly; fatuous --**sap'pi*ness _n_.**'"  
< Well, that was certainly more than _I_ wanted to know,> Tobias commented.  
Amy began cackling evilly and accidentally dropping the huge dictionary on her foot. All cackling stopped immediately. "Yeeeowch! Damnit! That's foot's _already_ sore! Ow!"  
"Oh yeah, that's right," Marco spoke up. "Your big toe got turned into fishie flakes, didn't it?"  
Amy glared down at her three toed foot, then realized it was the wrong foot and turned her glared to her now two toed foot. "Yeah, and it's really throwing me off balance."  
"Why don't you just snap your fingers and fix it?" Marco asked.  
Amy's jaw dropped and she stared at him. "I _could_ do that, couldn't I?" she said. "Marco, if I didn't know any better, I'd kiss you." She thought about that for a moment. "But I don't know any better!"  
Amy then attempted to jump into his arms and give him a big kiss. Unfortunately, because of her missing big toe throwing off her balance, she landed somewhere else.  
"Damn," she said in annoyance. "I should've fixed my toe _first_...Where the hell _am_ I?"  
  
Amy appeared to be in the middle of a big battle, and Cassie's barn was nowhere in sight.  
"Shit!" she cried as a Hork-Bajir jumped in front of her.  
"Watch it!" a familiar voice shouted from behind her.  
Amy ducked out of reflex, or maybe she just tripped, and the Hork-Bajir was suddenly shot in the chest. It went down and didn't get back up.  
"What the hell are you doing?!" the person who had saved her asked angrily.  
Amy whirled around and found herself face to face with Marco.  
A dirty, seriously pissed off Marco wearing a pair of odd-looking goggles and holding a dangerous-looking gun at the ready.  
"Uh oh," she said as she realized where she was. "You know, you wouldn't believe me if I told you, Marco."  
"Look," Marco growled, shooting over her head at something. "I don't have time for this shit-"  
"Me either," Amy interrupted and quickly hopped off in no particular direction.  
This time she landed in a hospital room.  
"Oh crap!" Amy cried as she saw who was in the bed. "First I end up in one of my half-finished dark fics, now I'm in one of the finished ones!"  
She quickly jumped out of the fic, leaving Jake to wonder who had been visiting him.  
"Where the hell've you _been_?" Marco asked as Amy suddenly landed in his arms.  
"Well, first I landed in a half-finished dark fic of mine," Amy told him. "Then I landed in the one where I almost killed Jake. You know, I was seriously considering killing him in that one, but I figured I didn't want to piss anybody off so soon in my writing career. I mean, it _was_ my first fic-"  
"You _what_?!" Jake exclaimed.  
"I almost killed you," Amy said calmly. "In fact, I don't like the way you've been acting." She snapped her fingers and Visser Three suddenly dropped out of the sky and shot Jake with a Dracon beam.  
< Ha ha ha ha ha!> he laughed maniacly as Jake disintegrated.  
Amy snapped her fingers again and the visser fell down a hole that conveniantly appeared in the middle of the floor.  
"Jake!" Cassie cried.  
"No 'mourning your lost love' scenes!" Amy growled.  
"Screw you!" Cassie exclaimed, going into a full blown 'mourning your lost love' scene.  
Amy quickly snapped her fingers and Cassie turned into a tree. "Whew," she said in relief. "That was close."  
< Why is it that every time you show up,> Tobias commented. < We all suddenly end up dead?>  
"'cause I'm an omnipotent fic writer and I can do anything I damn well please in these fics." Amy replied.  
< That does not seem to be a very good reason,> Ax spoke up for the first time in this whole stupid fic.  
He was immediately smashed by a comet that just happened to conveniantly land on that exact spot at the exact moment that he disagreed with Amy.  
"That was certainly conveniant," Amy commented. "Let's see, that leaves you, Marco, and Tobias."  
< Ah, you know, I've always agreed with everything you've ever said,> Tobias told her hastily.  
"That's wonderful!" Amy said with a wide grin.  
< Whew,> Tobias said, relieved.  
"Unfortunately, I'm hungry," Amy continued and snapped her fingers. Tobias suddenly turned into a bucket of extra crispy fried chicken and landed in Amy's hands.  
"Shouldn't you fix your foot soon?" Marco asked. "I mean, the fic _is_ almost over, and you only have your omnipotent fic writing powers when you're writing."  
"Mmph mwath mmphweth," Amy said thoughtfully around a bite of extra crispy fried chicken.  
"Thank you," Marco said.  
"Mwa thmph biph mwu phom mmph phng wth amphth mmth?" Amy asked.  
"Well you've killed off everyone but me, so you can't really go much further with this fic," Marco explained.  
"Mmph mlthmwa thmm phmmth thmng?" Amy said mischieviously.  
"Whoa! It's a good thing your mouth is full," Marco said, turning red. "You'd have to up the censor of this fic from 'PG' to 'R'."  
"Mlwa mmph thmph!" Amy replied.  
"Well, _maybe_ 'NC17'," Marco agreed. "But only if you didn't actually _do_ that."  
"Blmph thmth mmph thmmph mwa," Amy said, rolling her eyes.  
"True, that _would_ take all the fun out of it," Marco said thoughtfully.  
Amy nodded her head in agreement.  
"Oh well," Marco said a bit wistfully. "I don't think the few people who actually managed to read this far would continue if we did."  
"Mmla phmph thmwu," Amy pointed out.  
"Yeah, you're right. A lot of fics wouldn't be all that popular if people weren't."  
"Mwa phlath."  
"So are you going to replace your big toe or what?" Marco asked.  
Amy grinned sheepishly, having completely forgotten about that after the interesting little turn their conversation had taken, and snapped her fingers.  
She wiggled her toes cheerfully and carefully counted. "One, two, three, four, five, six!"  
"So...is the fic over?" Marco asked.  
"I guess so," Amy said. "I'm all out of extra crispy fried chicken."  
Marco suddenly grinned. "Well if we're done here," he said slowly. "I think I might just take you up on that suggestion or your's..."  
Amy grinned mischieviously. "You know, that's not a bad idea..."  
They quickly raced out of the barn, leaving it completely empty except for a chipmunk which had escaped its cage earlier while no one was paying attention.  
"Uno Stacko!" it suddenly shouted in a high-pitched voice and giggled hysterically.  
A certain fic writer (no, not Amy) quickly knocked the chipmunk through the wall, shrieked "Bad!" and dove into a conveniant plot hole.  


The End

[FanFic][1]

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dreamworld/2141/FanFic.html



End file.
